Want the Real Skinny on a Wine?

I recently heard a heartwarming tale of a father who made up a thrilling story of bravery and heroism for his son every night for years, each night adding a little bit to the same premise, extending the narrative for days upon weeks upon years until eventually the boy outgrew the charm and ‘The Story’ faded from daily tradition into family lore, waiting to become legend.

Unfortunately, this post has nothing to do with a fanciful story of optimism built chapter by chapter, sounding like a Mitch Albom plot outline—unless stream of consciousness can carry an ISBN number.

No, instead, I want to juxtapose the warm fuzzies against the story of wine criticism, which operates in a bizarro alternate universe to our do-gooding Dad story.

Every day, someone, somewhere, is committing thought, energy and tap-taps on the keyboard in examining the state of wine criticism, both historically and in its current form, sometimes extending the narrative, sometimes not.  Amateurs versus professionals, blind versus non-blind, points versus non-points, all of it is open season.  What is certain in this verbal jousting on the simple act of examining a wine is that little is left to the imagination; it’s a coarse nude shot when a little cheesecake would do just fine.

Frankly, the examination of wine criticism induces somnambulistic slumber akin to reading the healthcare bill.

My recommendation as an alternative to the onanistic pursuit of wine evaluation and those that proffer opinion on viability of said criticism?  Drink and analyze wine only in the company of friends and food and read criticism only from those who analyze wine in the company of friends and food.

You want good stories as a result?  You’ll get good stories.  And, some laughs, too, absent a natural conversation starter.

I recently joined David Honig, Publisher of Palate Press, and Louis Calli, a retail wine buyer, for a Napa tasting.

The line-up was a nice representative sample of Napa Cabernets across price points, and they were, indeed, all samples sent by the wineries.

What truly was interesting about the tasting is the running commentary that is at least as equally interesting as the wine analysis—particularly when many of the wines don’t have an evident story, more on that in a second, though.

We tasted through:

2006 Louis Martini Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon ABV: 14.2 / SRP: $27

2006 V. Sattui Preston Vineyards Napa Valley Cabernet ABV: 14.6% / SRP: $45

2005 Swanson Vineyards “Alexis” Cabernet Sauvignon ABV: 14.8% / SRP: $75

2006 Wallis Family Estate “Diamond Mountain” Cabernet Sauvignon ABV: 14.6% / SRP: $85

2005 Hunter III Cabernet Sauvignon ABV: 14.5% / SRP: $50

2006 Bennett Lane Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon ABV: 14.5% / SRP: $55

2006 Cornerstone Cellars Cabernet Sauvignon ABV: 14.5% / SRP: $59

For me, all of the wines were nice, each representing something positive, as if that’s not faint praise.  The V. Sattui was very approachable; the Hunter III was interesting and compelling with something funky going on with the nose that reminded me of bilge water, in a good way.  The Bennett Lane was a superstar.  Cornerstone is an exemplary wine, and the one that Louis deemed “worth $100,” which is ironic given that it doesn’t cost $100 anymore.  The Louis Martini was dark and complex, a hint of candied sweetness and a touch of heat marring an otherwise dandy wine.

The wines were generally fantastic.

But, more fantastic was the conversation, which stands in for legitimate criticism and evidentiary marketing from the winery that indicates any type of story or hook.

Absent a story, I learned:

• Sometime in the last 10 to 15 years MSG variants were legalized for spraying in vineyards.  Come to find out that there is/was a semi-controversial product on the market called AuxiGrow that is about 1/3 L-glutamic acid, the “G” in MSG (thanks also to Thomas Pellechia for helping me with some independent insight on this).  Perhaps, a reason that California wines have taken a turn for the savory over the same period.

• Maple and brown sugar Life cereal is a good product for Cali Cabernet palate training.

• Fruit Loops are a good product for Central Coast Viognier palate training

• Wine Notes is a good iPhone wine app.

Here’s the thing about the wine tasting amongst friends and food.  All of the running commentary and analysis of the wine would be made more interesting if there was a back-story to the wine, which was otherwise absent in all of the marketing materials that accompanied the wines.

In the business bestseller “Made to Stick” by Chip Heath and Dan Heath, they examine the reasons that some ideas “stick” in our consciousness and others miss.  The book itself is a can’t miss and outlines six steps to making an idea “sticky”:

• Simple
• Unexpected
• Concrete
• Credible
• Emotional
• Story

None of the wines demonstrated a story that indicated anything approximating a “sticky idea.”  And, irony of ironies:  My takeaways from the tasting were about simple thoughts conveyed cleanly – “sticky” ideas:  cereal palate training, MSG and wine and on and on.

The state of wine criticism, from all corners of seers and naysayers is in a state of disarray.  With discernible quality hitting the $15 mark, imports bringing to bear economies that can’t be equaled from domestic wines and wine criticism coming from every corner, the story is all wineries have.  Ultimately, the question of, “why should I care” isn’t a question about a rating or a score, but rather, about the hook that makes me interested – a story that builds on itself chapter by chapter.