The Exact Reason People Think Wine Enthusiasts are Pompous Bores

My Mom always told me that discretion is the better part of valor, which is why the source of this wine review will go unnamed.  Trust me when I say that the below is a real review, published online in the last few days, from a deadly serious taster, with absolutely no hint of irony with the absurdity of it all.

This is not a joke, even if I want to believe it is.

To break up the turgid prose, I edited the tasting note into the florid description and then a list of all tasting descriptors used (while editing out the duplicates).  All told, in one wine, this guy tasted over 78 DIFFERENT components in a tasting note that was over 600 words long.

My favorite part is the misspelling of “palate.”  Oh, how I wish my “palette” could pick up 78 different components in one wine …

I also have a gift for the commenter that selects the varietal that this taster is describing.  I won’t give away the gift because that will tip the varietal, but it’s a large tasting in San Francisco that is very popular.

Tasting Note from our Wine Expert:

Overall character is that of a sex loaded scarlet; endowed, jaunty and erotically scented with every part smelling and tasting provocative, flamboyant and blooming.  Its gorgeous, vaunting style is burning, mantling and amorous with a(n) extravagant softness that is grandiose, exotic and pursed lipped.  There is a(n) edginess, sophistication and dominating air that questions whether your palette(sic) has the true aptitude to handle the complete clutch of this much worldliness.  The body is chasmal, bounteous and a little weighty.  In the tasting profile you will never find the true heart of this scandalous wine so just enjoy your x-rated time together.  Be aware you will be left lauding and lost when you awake.

The principle flavors change dramatically throughout the decanting process and are generally very floral
Including:

Red roses
Lavender
Geranium
Dried hibiscus flowers
Cranberry raisins
Currant jelly
Mango with skins
Red plums
Cobbler
Red cherry pie
Red apple skins
Strawberry balsamic
Raspberry iced tea
Fig jelly
Cinnamon
Orange flower water
Nutmeg
Coriander
Paprika
Star anise
Graham cracker
Sweet baking spice
Cassis
Blackberry bramble
Whole black peppercorn.

Nose

Loganberries
Mango puree and ripe skins
Mission fig paste
Añejo rum
Crushed velvet
Rosewater
Orange marmalade
Cloves
Violets
Cedar box
Grand Marnier
Cranberry baked torte
Dark spice and mineral
Espresso
Soy
Black plum

Palate at intervals after decanting (Ed. Note: duplicates from nose deleted)

Preserved fruits
Bramble
Baked red fruit pastries
Mango marmalade
Dried tobacco
Bay leaves
Cinnamon
Briar
Allspice

Mango daiquiri
Orange flower water
Cardamom
Black licorice (includes star anise, elsewhere)
Cassis paste
Orange spice

Raspberry tea
Tea leaves
Apricot
Sour cherry
Fresh pomegranate
Currant paste
Fig jelly
Blackberry bramble
Blackberry pie
Chocolate
Mineral
Black peppercorns
Perfume
Rosemary
Raspberry
S’mores
Molasses
Bittersweet dark chocolate
Coco powder
Lavender blossom honey
Breakfast tea
Strawberry preserves

What do you think?  Can your palate stack up?  Want to take a guess at the varietal?  Please leave a comment.