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US Department of Agriculture Names Wine the 7th Food Group

Obama, America’s ‘Wine President’ Leads Expansion of the USDA Food Pyramid by Adding Wine as 7th Food Group in the USDA Food Pyramid

Washington, DC, April 1/PRNewswire/—

In conjunction with Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack, President Barack Obama announces that the Food Pyramid, administered by the Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion, a department within the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA), was naming a 7th Food Group, wine, within the nutritional guidelines of the food pyramid.

“Look, there is great opportunity here, yet great peril,” said Obama.  “Everyday there is a news report about the health benefits of drinking wine in moderation, even if there are also reports about wine and alcohol causing health problems.”

“The American people choose hope over fear.”

Obama, noted for being a “wine” president after eight years of teetotaling in the White House by the previous regime administration, has been photographed with a bottle of Kendall-Jackson in the background of a family photo shoot for People magazine. 

Separately, it has been noted that Obama had a wine cellar of unknown size at his former home in the Chicago area.

Casting undoubted and empirical evidence, couched in hearsay, of his fondness for the grape as a ‘wine’ President, President Obama has enjoyed a glass of wine when poured for him at official state and formal functions.

Noted Obama, “The press reports of my fondness for wine are really immaterial to the matters at hand – Michelle and I have made it a priority to live healthy lifestyles, including creating a presidential vegetable garden, and we believe that a glass of wine at the end of the day is a healthy and healthful way of enjoying a tipple while toasting to our health.”

He continued, “Anyways, reports of my sneaking the occasional smoke have leaked and if I have to quit that, then I NEED SOMETHING to take the edge off after inheriting this bag of hot stinking mess left to me by former President Bush. Plus, if the domestic auto industry goes in the tank, and we nationalize the banks, after slow progress out of the gates on the stimulus program, then I figure doing something good with the wine industry is bright move because we can have something decent to drown our sorrows in.”

Secretary of Agriculture Vilsack noted that the controversial Food Pyramid, which has been revised and modified over the years as Americans continue to get heavier and more addicted to sugar with epidemic levels of Type II diabetes, can’t get any more fouled up then it currently is with its recommendation for 8 teaspoons of oil a day.

Said Vilsack, “By adding a 7th dimension, wine, to the food pyramid we anticipate accomplishing a fews aims – first, we anticipate that there will be incremental gains to the fruit grouping, second, this will satisfy and quell all of the researchers who pump out wine-related health reports on a daily basis indicating that wine is good for everything but erectile dysfunction, third, we figure that beer and liquor lead to lawlessness, dope leads to the munchies, but wine leads to salubrious conversation and that’s the least of the available evils when considering modifications to the Food Pyramid.”

In closing, President Obama encouraged all Americans to stimulate the American economy by drinking to their health, noting that allocated and cult wineries were hurting and could use our support.  In repeating a quote from his stump on the campaign trail, he closed his remarks by saying, “Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.  Drink wine – for your health, even if it is mental health.”

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To track progress on this story and others, please see the new wine aggregation site Dregs Report.



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Posted in, It Seems to Me .... Permalink | Comments (9) |


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