January 14 2010
My Mom always told me that discretion is the better part of valor, which is why the source of this wine review will go unnamed. Trust me when I say that the below is a real review, published online in the last few days, from a deadly serious taster, with absolutely no hint of irony with the absurdity of it all.
This is not a joke, even if I want to believe it is.
To break up the turgid prose, I edited the tasting note into the florid description and then a list of all tasting descriptors used (while editing out the duplicates). All told, in one wine, this guy tasted over 78 DIFFERENT components in a tasting note that was over 600 words long.
My favorite part is the misspelling of “palate.” Oh, how I wish my “palette” could pick up 78 different components in one wine …
I also have a gift for the commenter that selects the varietal that this taster is describing. I won’t give away the gift because that will tip the varietal, but it’s a large tasting in San Francisco that is very popular.
Tasting Note from our Wine Expert:
Overall character is that of a sex loaded scarlet; endowed, jaunty and erotically scented with every part smelling and tasting provocative, flamboyant and blooming. Its gorgeous, vaunting style is burning, mantling and amorous with a(n) extravagant softness that is grandiose, exotic and pursed lipped. There is a(n) edginess, sophistication and dominating air that questions whether your palette(sic) has the true aptitude to handle the complete clutch of this much worldliness. The body is chasmal, bounteous and a little weighty. In the tasting profile you will never find the true heart of this scandalous wine so just enjoy your x-rated time together. Be aware you will be left lauding and lost when you awake.
The principle flavors change dramatically throughout the decanting process and are generally very floral
Including:
Red roses
Lavender
Geranium
Dried hibiscus flowers
Cranberry raisins
Currant jelly
Mango with skins
Red plums
Cobbler
Red cherry pie
Red apple skins
Strawberry balsamic
Raspberry iced tea
Fig jelly
Cinnamon
Orange flower water
Nutmeg
Coriander
Paprika
Star anise
Graham cracker
Sweet baking spice
Cassis
Blackberry bramble
Whole black peppercorn.
Nose
Loganberries
Mango puree and ripe skins
Mission fig paste
Añejo rum
Crushed velvet
Rosewater
Orange marmalade
Cloves
Violets
Cedar box
Grand Marnier
Cranberry baked torte
Dark spice and mineral
Espresso
Soy
Black plum
Palate at intervals after decanting (Ed. Note: duplicates from nose deleted)
Preserved fruits
Bramble
Baked red fruit pastries
Mango marmalade
Dried tobacco
Bay leaves
Cinnamon
Briar
Allspice
Mango daiquiri
Orange flower water
Cardamom
Black licorice (includes star anise, elsewhere)
Cassis paste
Orange spice
Raspberry tea
Tea leaves
Apricot
Sour cherry
Fresh pomegranate
Currant paste
Fig jelly
Blackberry bramble
Blackberry pie
Chocolate
Mineral
Black peppercorns
Perfume
Rosemary
Raspberry
S’mores
Molasses
Bittersweet dark chocolate
Coco powder
Lavender blossom honey
Breakfast tea
Strawberry preserves
What do you think? Can your palate stack up? Want to take a guess at the varietal? Please leave a comment.
Posted in, Good Grape Daily: Pomace & Lees. Permalink | Comments (35) |
Straight out the gate, Jim! You win. You are now the proud owner of four tix to ZAP at Fort Mason January 28-30th. Do you want them, or shall the next commenter who guesses the appellation win them?
thanks for commenting!
Jeff
Oh man, that was my pick.
I knew it was zin as soon as I saw “sex”
C’mon, who wrote this trashy tasting note?
Zin indeed. Those are the same 78 tasting notes I picked up on my bottle of Cline tonight! Kidding of course…
Hints of Fruity Pebbles, Franken Berry, Count Chocula, Kool Aid, Legos, GI Joe, Shrinky Dinks, Silly Putty, Super Elastic Bubble Plastic and a touch of Smurf on the nose.
Sure it’s not a hoax?
Jeff - For a moment, I thought you were quoting the June 1974 issue of “National Lampoon.” It was the Food Issue with a feature on the “Joys of Wife Tasting.” It remains one of the great parodies on the wine & food industry. Let’s see the winery make a shelf talker out of this!
Darn, too late to the guess. I had Zin as well—the bramble, blackberry, and spices were the hint.
As for appellation… I’ll go out on a limb and say Amador County? It’s hard to pull terroir out of the prose in the note.
Awww, man, it’s not Sangria???
Sh*t!
I’ll guess Russian River as the AVA. Though I would have expected some reference to Vodka or Gorky Park.
Great find, Jeff, but it’s still hard to believe this was done as a straight up tasting note.
I just want to know who is eating mangoes with the skins on, and devouring sheets of crushed velvet. This tasting note reeks of pompous douchebaggery.
Thanks for the comments—Richard your comment about douchebaggery is exactly the phraseology I wanted to use, but didn’t.
I don’t want to out and out mock somebody by pointing out who the writer of this note is, but if you go to Facebook and search for: “Sonoma Wine” that will very strongly get you pointed in the right direction.
Jeff
Whoever wrote it either needs to stop frequenting adult book/video stores or ought to get a real, live sex partner.
I wouldn’t even classify the note as pompous. Unfortunately, there are enough of these notes floating the universe to stack a Pontius pallet of hand-wringing.
I have found the original… and it’s a tad scary… But the person’s other reviews seem much tamer (at least in comparison).
Link withheld, for those of you still playing along from home.
This review had to have been written after finishing the bottle to himself and then reading a drugstore romance novel.
As to appellation I’d say Healdsburg.
And that’s only because Armida puts a similarly sensual synopsis with a myriad of mystical modifiers (see we can all be douchey if we try!) on their Poizin.
That is one heckuva Zin though…
I couldn’t find the source of the review but it was still fun to read. Perhaps the reviewer just got carried away (and drunk) while writing, surely he/she will cease to post such obnoxious things in the future. I forwarded it to some wine geek friends and they got a kick out of it too.
This is unbelievable. No wonder all of us wine bloggers have a whole bunch of misconceptions to overcome! Keep up the great work.
I have no problem outing this idiot as he has misrepresented himself as a somm to more than a few unsuspecting wineries desperate for “critical” review. http://www.sonomasom.com/azzarozinfandel06.html Passing the CSW exam (with 75 out of 100 multiple-choice questions) does not a sommelier make. http://www.societyofwineeducators.org/csw.php Jeff, I wish this were merely a case of pomposity and boorishness. In fact it is fraud.
I snorted my pinot out my nose.
Damn that hurts.
Thanks for the laugh.
EVO
Wine taster, nice job. I think you don’t have time to be thirsty!
Wow. Really. C’mon. I read once that the most astute palate can pick up something like six or seven flavors max. If you see anything on top of that, it’s just plain horse ....
Nice job in calling this guy out. You are nice than myself, though. I would have linked directly to this guy’s review!
It IS tough to make a living as a wine geek. Does this situation say as much about the Irish and about New Orleans as it does about wine critics? I think all three cohorts are equally innocent in this instance.
Bruce—that is brilliant. You manage to say just about everything without saying anything - I love it.
On a separate note—my mother of all people says to me tonight, “Honey, I was rolling on the floor about that post. Did you make that up?”
Um, no Mom. It’s legit, that I promise you—from an Irish dude from New Orleans.
Jeff
The taster forgot to mention the “happy ending” on the finish!
And I thought I’d read it all after seeing wines described as “...Sophia Loren riding a Vespa on the Via Condotti.”...or “...Marilyn Monroe on steriods…”
Who the heck does this jackass think he’s writing for? Even the douchiest of wine geeks I know would find this laughable.
Appelation guess- Drycreek Valley
Only the most sultry of Zins come from Drycreek!
ROFLMFAO- I don’t know which is more funny, the blog itself or the comments.
Thank you for a classic, I will be printing this and sharing with the office!
...this is a fighting wine, a wine reserved for hand to hand combat with a bouquet like an Aborigine’s armpit…
Sorry, but ever since I first heard that old Monty Python skit (about Australian wine), that’s all I ever think about when I read a wine review.
This guy reminds me of another knuckleheaded douchebag in Chicago named Krunch Kretchmar.
Google that name and have a laugh!
What the hell does “chasmal” mean? I know alot of big, fancy, fluffy words, and I’ve never heard the word “chasmal.” 
It really is hard to believe this slobber-y wine note is not a joke.
But hey, it sure does make for some excellent comedy on a Friday night with a great glass of wine by my side!
Don’t know how I missed this when it first ran. I must say, to differentiate between “briar” and “bramble” takes a true supertaster douchepalate. Well done.
“douchepalate”
Can’t stop laughing every time I say it. You haven’t TM-ed that yet, have you Evan?
What a pisser of a review. Lighten up, get a life reviewer. Enjoy a good craft beer and cut the over analization!
Thank you so much for writing this as it has generated hundreds of hits to my review which are linked back to this post!!!!! As they say “no PR is bad PR.” I don’t mind taking it on the chin, lol. I will say I haven’t tasted any domestic wine in years that deserved all the dirty prose as Azzaro 2006, 
. (The 2007 wasn’t the same wine, sadly) Please seek out the wine. The Tasting Room is not open to the public. I think the four-seasons in LA is the only place I know that has it because the production is so small. You will have taste it at the Winemakers house if that is possible. Please give him a call.
Answering commits, am I a Blogger? no, I am not and I do not and have never owned a blog. I am a very old fashioned Wine Critic who obviously didn’t consider English as a major, lol.
Does he really taste all those flavors? The answer is YES, but please do take the challenge and decide for yourself. Take a bottle from a past review and decant it in 10 minute increments for an hour and see if you taste the same bio-flavanoids. As a child my I.Q. often tested between 175 and 190, my palate is a little out of control (lol) and I process information overly quickly to say the least. I am, as I am sure most people could guess, autistic and yet ironically I have some sequencing issues (dyslexia, etc) that have never made English spelling a strong point. That is fair enough I suppose. Some autistics find music or art; I found bio-flavinoids, test kitchens, wine pairing and winemaking. I can’t remember my age, phone number or the date of my brother’s birthday for example most of the time but I never forget the flavor of a wine or food. One day I may hire an editor but that would require me to charge for my work or have ads and I don’t like the sound of that.
Who is he writing for? I write for myself only, as I feel any sincere person should. This not about money or popularity, this is not about me. It is about doing the best job possible, telling the whole story and not being afraid to look un-cool. I will always be not for profit and ad-free on my free reviews. I am not worried with passing fads. I want people to look back on my reviews not in two or three years but in two or three hundred years from now as a classic. I am sorry, but not too sorry, not to fit into the current model of doing things. Sadly, I didn’t like other critic’s reviews so after fifteen years of storing away hundreds of thousands my tasting notes in the closet I got up the courage to share them.
I am happy to have created so much conversation and thought. Thank for the kind and even all of the not so kind words. Best wishes to all. Thank you taking the time to write and for visiting my reviews.
Robert O’Maoilriain CSW
Old Fashioned Wine Critic and Winemaking Consultant
SonomaSom.com
Robert,
Thanks for responding with grace and humility.
Congrats, I suppose, as well, for having a genius intellect and a palate that would seem to be in the top .001%.
There’s room for everybody in the wine world, but the tasting note for the Azzaro was too much for me to go unacknowledged.
Jeff
Jeff
That vintage of Azzaro was special. I am only sad I didn’t feel the same way about the next vintage. You will find that is my only review that is that over the top, as that wine truly deserved every bit of it. Was it the Lovell Valley fruit or the Romanian oak? I don’t know but I sure which someone would recreate it because I will remember that wine for the next 20 years. What a wine!!!
BTW I have been in the wine business as a national buyer and Restaurant Director for over 15 years. A little criticism isn’t going to shake me after all I have been through in the trenches having over 2,000 employees at a time in three different states. Anyone who wants to find 60 flavors in a wine that others can find as well I would be happy to teach them my system for free. Be warned, it is all really hard work and there is nothing fun about it. I fill out a 9 page full booklet for each wine and review three bottles for hours. Each review takes up to 20 hours to complete with pictures and winemaker interviews. No one has ever worked has hard as I do. I have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars tasting strange food flavors to be able to do this.
I am only as good as my system, create a great system and you can do anything.
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That would be Zinfandel, lush and ripe, God help me.