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The Exact Reason People Think Wine Enthusiasts are Pompous Bores

My Mom always told me that discretion is the better part of valor, which is why the source of this wine review will go unnamed.  Trust me when I say that the below is a real review, published online in the last few days, from a deadly serious taster, with absolutely no hint of irony with the absurdity of it all.

This is not a joke, even if I want to believe it is.

To break up the turgid prose, I edited the tasting note into the florid description and then a list of all tasting descriptors used (while editing out the duplicates).  All told, in one wine, this guy tasted over 78 DIFFERENT components in a tasting note that was over 600 words long.

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My favorite part is the misspelling of “palate.”  Oh, how I wish my “palette” could pick up 78 different components in one wine …

I also have a gift for the commenter that selects the varietal that this taster is describing.  I won’t give away the gift because that will tip the varietal, but it’s a large tasting in San Francisco that is very popular.

Tasting Note from our Wine Expert:

Overall character is that of a sex loaded scarlet; endowed, jaunty and erotically scented with every part smelling and tasting provocative, flamboyant and blooming.  Its gorgeous, vaunting style is burning, mantling and amorous with a(n) extravagant softness that is grandiose, exotic and pursed lipped.  There is a(n) edginess, sophistication and dominating air that questions whether your palette(sic) has the true aptitude to handle the complete clutch of this much worldliness.  The body is chasmal, bounteous and a little weighty.  In the tasting profile you will never find the true heart of this scandalous wine so just enjoy your x-rated time together.  Be aware you will be left lauding and lost when you awake.

The principle flavors change dramatically throughout the decanting process and are generally very floral
Including:

Red roses
Lavender
Geranium
Dried hibiscus flowers
Cranberry raisins
Currant jelly
Mango with skins
Red plums
Cobbler
Red cherry pie
Red apple skins
Strawberry balsamic
Raspberry iced tea
Fig jelly
Cinnamon
Orange flower water
Nutmeg
Coriander
Paprika
Star anise
Graham cracker
Sweet baking spice
Cassis
Blackberry bramble
Whole black peppercorn.

Nose

Loganberries
Mango puree and ripe skins
Mission fig paste
Añejo rum
Crushed velvet
Rosewater
Orange marmalade
Cloves
Violets
Cedar box
Grand Marnier
Cranberry baked torte
Dark spice and mineral
Espresso
Soy
Black plum

Palate at intervals after decanting (Ed. Note: duplicates from nose deleted)

Preserved fruits
Bramble
Baked red fruit pastries
Mango marmalade
Dried tobacco
Bay leaves
Cinnamon
Briar
Allspice

Mango daiquiri
Orange flower water
Cardamom
Black licorice (includes star anise, elsewhere)
Cassis paste
Orange spice

Raspberry tea
Tea leaves
Apricot
Sour cherry
Fresh pomegranate
Currant paste
Fig jelly
Blackberry bramble
Blackberry pie
Chocolate
Mineral
Black peppercorns
Perfume
Rosemary
Raspberry
S’mores
Molasses
Bittersweet dark chocolate
Coco powder
Lavender blossom honey
Breakfast tea
Strawberry preserves

What do you think?  Can your palate stack up?  Want to take a guess at the varietal?  Please leave a comment.



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Posted in, Good Grape Daily: Pomace & Lees. Permalink | Comments (23) |


Comments

On 01/14, .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) wrote:

That would be Zinfandel, lush and ripe, God help me.

On 01/14, Jeff wrote:

Straight out the gate, Jim!  You win.  You are now the proud owner of four tix to ZAP at Fort Mason January 28-30th.  Do you want them, or shall the next commenter who guesses the appellation win them?

thanks for commenting!

Jeff

On 01/14, Wine Harlots wrote:

Oh man, that was my pick.
I knew it was zin as soon as I saw “sex”
C’mon, who wrote this trashy tasting note?

On 01/14, Jason wrote:

Zin indeed. Those are the same 78 tasting notes I picked up on my bottle of Cline tonight!  Kidding of course…

On 01/14, VinoCulture wrote:

Hints of Fruity Pebbles, Franken Berry, Count Chocula, Kool Aid, Legos, GI Joe, Shrinky Dinks, Silly Putty, Super Elastic Bubble Plastic and a touch of Smurf on the nose.

Sure it’s not a hoax?

On 01/15, .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) wrote:

Jeff - For a moment, I thought you were quoting the June 1974 issue of “National Lampoon.” It was the Food Issue with a feature on the “Joys of Wife Tasting.” It remains one of the great parodies on the wine & food industry. Let’s see the winery make a shelf talker out of this!

On 01/15, Corkdork wrote:

Darn, too late to the guess.  I had Zin as well—the bramble, blackberry, and spices were the hint.

As for appellation…  I’ll go out on a limb and say Amador County?  It’s hard to pull terroir out of the prose in the note.

On 01/15, 1WineDude wrote:

Awww, man, it’s not Sangria???

Sh*t!

On 01/15, Chris wrote:

I’ll guess Russian River as the AVA.  Though I would have expected some reference to Vodka or Gorky Park.

Great find, Jeff, but it’s still hard to believe this was done as a straight up tasting note.

On 01/15, Richard wrote:

I just want to know who is eating mangoes with the skins on, and devouring sheets of crushed velvet.  This tasting note reeks of pompous douchebaggery.

On 01/15, Jeff wrote:

Thanks for the comments—Richard your comment about douchebaggery is exactly the phraseology I wanted to use, but didn’t.

I don’t want to out and out mock somebody by pointing out who the writer of this note is, but if you go to Facebook and search for:  “Sonoma Wine” that will very strongly get you pointed in the right direction.

Jeff

On 01/15, Thomas Pellechia wrote:

Whoever wrote it either needs to stop frequenting adult book/video stores or ought to get a real, live sex partner.

I wouldn’t even classify the note as pompous. Unfortunately, there are enough of these notes floating the universe to stack a Pontius pallet of hand-wringing.

On 01/15, 1WineDude wrote:

I have found the original… and it’s a tad scary…  But the person’s other reviews seem much tamer (at least in comparison).

Link withheld, for those of you still playing along from home.

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On 09/26, Vimax wrote:

This article is very good just like Vimax..
Thank you for sharing..

On 09/26, Vimax wrote:

Nice info..
Thanks

On 12/22, Vimax wrote:

I can see that you are putting a lots of efforts into your blog. Keep posting the good work. I appreciate your idea here. Definitely it has a niche content. Thank you for imparting more of your own thoughts..

On 07/14, emily.bronte wrote:

I also have a gift for the commenter that selects the varietal that this taster is describing.  I won’t give away the gift because that will tip the varietal, but it’s a large tasting in San Francisco that is very popular.

thanks
regard
emily.bronte

Cities to Visit in California

On 08/18, Paris Vineyards wrote:

This would have been such an easy win for me. Come back and bring us more wine trivia!


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