January 14 2010
My Mom always told me that discretion is the better part of valor, which is why the source of this wine review will go unnamed. Trust me when I say that the below is a real review, published online in the last few days, from a deadly serious taster, with absolutely no hint of irony with the absurdity of it all.
This is not a joke, even if I want to believe it is.
To break up the turgid prose, I edited the tasting note into the florid description and then a list of all tasting descriptors used (while editing out the duplicates). All told, in one wine, this guy tasted over 78 DIFFERENT components in a tasting note that was over 600 words long.
My favorite part is the misspelling of “palate.” Oh, how I wish my “palette” could pick up 78 different components in one wine …
I also have a gift for the commenter that selects the varietal that this taster is describing. I won’t give away the gift because that will tip the varietal, but it’s a large tasting in San Francisco that is very popular.
Tasting Note from our Wine Expert:
Overall character is that of a sex loaded scarlet; endowed, jaunty and erotically scented with every part smelling and tasting provocative, flamboyant and blooming. Its gorgeous, vaunting style is burning, mantling and amorous with a(n) extravagant softness that is grandiose, exotic and pursed lipped. There is a(n) edginess, sophistication and dominating air that questions whether your palette(sic) has the true aptitude to handle the complete clutch of this much worldliness. The body is chasmal, bounteous and a little weighty. In the tasting profile you will never find the true heart of this scandalous wine so just enjoy your x-rated time together. Be aware you will be left lauding and lost when you awake.
The principle flavors change dramatically throughout the decanting process and are generally very floral
Dried hibiscus flowers
Mango with skins
Red cherry pie
Red apple skins
Raspberry iced tea
Orange flower water
Sweet baking spice
Whole black peppercorn.
Mango puree and ripe skins
Mission fig paste
Cranberry baked torte
Dark spice and mineral
Palate at intervals after decanting (Ed. Note: duplicates from nose deleted)
Baked red fruit pastries
Orange flower water
Black licorice (includes star anise, elsewhere)
Bittersweet dark chocolate
Lavender blossom honey
What do you think? Can your palate stack up? Want to take a guess at the varietal? Please leave a comment.