October 11 2007
Ed. Note: The below is satire. I had a lovely reader send me an email with the belief that this might be true and not an “onion” like satire piece. So, just to make sure I don’t get any slander lawsuits, please read the below understanding my tongue is firmly planted in cheek.)
Ripped straight from the AP newswire, noted faith healer Benny Hinn reports that he is stopping the use of his faith healing and moving towards an integrative use of wine to cure his followers.
He notes, “Today’s article from the U.K. indicating that wine can prevent stomach ulcers and food poisoning culminates 50 out of 52 weeks in which a new research study has come out touting the health benefits of wine. I now believe that wine is a cure-all for virtually all of the ailments of the human body. I believe that God is moving his divine intervention from blessed mortals like myself to that of simple table wine. I now plan on providing massive quantities of wine at my faith healing ministry. The below list represents just a mere sampling of what I believe wine can do as a cure-all and I’m pleased to be able to expand my healing as some health problems like restless leg syndrome and nail fungus have proven difficult for my healing touch.”
In other news, Fred Franzia, an alleged gout sufferer, has announced a strategic alliance between his company, Bronco Wine Company, and Benny Hinn Ministries. An insider reports they are planning to jointly bring a new wine to market called “Tithe Tipple.”
Hinn partial menu of wine healing services (Ala Carte)
Allergies
Allergy, Anaphylaxis (Severe Allergic Reaction), Chronic Rhinitis, Cold / Flu / Allergies, Food Allergy, Hives, Latex Allergy, Sinusitis
Alzheimer’s
Alzheimer’s Disease, Alzheimer’s Warning Signs, Bladder Incontinence, Dementia, Senior Health
Arthritis
Ankylosing Spondylitis, Fibromyalgia, Gout, Lupus, Osteoarthritis, Psoriatic Arthritis, Reactive Arthritis, Rheumatoid Arthritis
Asthma
Air Filtration, Asthmatic Complexities, Asthma,
Cancer
Cancer Causes, Cancer Detection, Cancer - General, Brain Tumor, Bladder Cancer, Breast Cancer, Cervical Cancer, Colon Polyps, Liver Cancer, Lung Cancer, Pancreatic Cancer, Prostate Cancer, Skin Cancer, Testicular Cancer
Cholesterol
Cholesterol, Fiber, HDL, LDL, Heart, Stroke Prevention, Triglycerides
Chronic Pain
Acupuncture, Acute and Chronic Pain, Cortisone Injection, Degenerative Disc, Low Back Pain
Cold & Flu
Aches, Pain, Fever, Chronic Cough, Cold, Flu, Allergy: (OTC Remedies), Common Cold, Encephalitis and Meningitis, Eustachian Tube Problems, Flu (Influenza), Flu Vaccination, Immunizations, Pneumonia, Pneumonia Vaccination, SARS, Sinusitis, Sore Throat, Strep Throat, Tonsillitis and Adenoiditis
Depression
Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Dysthymia, Panic Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), Stress
Diabetes
Diabetes Mellitus, Diabetic Home Care and Monitoring, Diabetes Insipidus, Insulin, Insulin Pump
Digestion
Abdominal Pain, Appendicitis, Ulcerative Colitis, Constipation, Crohn’s Disease, Diarrhea, Dyspepsia (Indigestion), Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD), Intestinal Gas, GERD (Heartburn, Acid Reflux), Hemorrhoids, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), Lactose Intolerance, Laxatives for Constipation, Motion Sickness, Ulcerative Colitis
Disease Prevention
Disease Prevention, Exercise & Activity, First Aid, Home and Family, Nutrition: Healthy Eating, Obesity
Eyesight
Cataracts, Eye Allergy, Eye Care, Glaucoma, LASIK Eye Surgery, Macular Degeneration, Pink Eye (Conjunctivitis), Retinal Detachment, Sjogren’s Syndrome
Hearing
Deafness, Eustachian Tubes, Ear Wax, Hearing Loss, Tinnitus, Vertigo (Dizziness)
Heart
Angina, Atherosclerosis Prevention, Congenital Heart Disease, Coronary Angiogram, Coronary Angioplasty, Coronary Artery Bypass, Heart Attack, Heart Murmurs, Heart Palpitations, High Cholesterol, Stroke
Hepatitis C
Cirrhosis of the Liver, Essential Mixed Cryoglobulinemia, Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C, Hepatitis A and B Immunizations, Jaundice, Lichen Planus, Liver Cancer, Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphomas
High Blood Pressure
High Blood Pressure (Hypertension), Pulmonary Hypertension
HIV
Acquired Immunodeficiency Disease (AIDS) and Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV),
Liver
Cirrhosis of the Liver, Non-alcoholic Fatty Liver, Hemochromatosis (Iron Overload), Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C, Jaundice, Liver Blood Tests, Primary Biliary Cirrhosis (PBC), Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis (PSC)
Lungs
Asthma, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD), Emphysema, Lung Cancer, Pneumonia, Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS), Smoker’s Lung Photo Essay, Smoking and Quitting Smoking
Menopause
Depression, Hormone Creams, Hormone Replacement Therapy, Hot Flashes - Alternative Treatments, Menopause, Vitamin and Calcium Supplements
Men’s Health
Angina, Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia (BPH), Erectile Dysfunction (Impotence), Hair Loss (Baldness), Prostate Cancer, Prostatitis, Sexually Transmitted Diseases, Testicular Cancer, Vasectomy, Viagra
Mental Health
Acute Stress Disorder, How To Eat Smart, Postpartum depression, Social Phobia, What Makes Marriage Work?
Migraine Headaches
Cluster Headaches, Headache, Migraine Headaches and Prevention, Tension Headache
Osteoporosis
Bone Density, Calcium Supplements, Estradiol, Hormone Replacement Therapy, Menopause, Osteoporosis Prevention
Pediatrics / Healthy Kids
Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), Bedwetting, Birth Defects, Chickenpox, Colic, Diaper Rash, Lactose Intolerance, Nosebleeds, Pink Eye, Measles, Mumps, Tonsillectomy, Vaccinations and Immunizations
Rheumatoid Arthritis
Arthroscopy, Celebrex, Cortisone Injection, Remicade, Total Hip Replacement, Total Knee Replacement
Senior Health
Alzheimer’s Disease, Anemia, Angina, Cataracts, Dementia, Glaucoma, Macular Degeneration, Hearing Loss, Heart Attack Prevention, Osteoporosis, Sleep Disturbance, Stroke, Wrinkles
Skin
Acne, Actinic Keratosis, Atopic Dermatitis (Eczema), Boils, Bumps and Bruises, Burns, Dandruff, Hives, Itch, Keloid, Melanoma, Nail Fungus, Poison Ivy, Psoriasis, Rash (Dermatitis), Rosacea, Scleroderma, Shingles, Skin Cancer, Warts, Wrinkles
Sleep
Insomnia, Jet Lag, Narcolepsy, Sleep, Sleep Apnea, Snoring (Somnoplasty)
Thyroid
Hyperthyroidism, Hypothyroidism, Hypothyroidism During Pregnancy, Synthroid (levothyroxine sodium), Thyroid Cancer, Thyroid Nodules
Urology
Blood In Urine (Hematuria), Cystinuria, Interstitial Cystitis, Kidney Stone, Prostatitis, Urinalysis, Urinary Incontinence, Urinary Tract Infections
Weight Loss & Management
Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia, Calories Burned During Exercise, Cellulite, Obesity and Weight Loss, Weight Loss
Women’s Health
Birth Control, Breast Cancer, Breastfeeding, Hormone Therapy, Hysterectomy, Menopause, Miscarriage, Osteoporosis, Ovarian Cancer, Ovarian Cysts, PMS (Premenstrual Syndrome), Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs), Uterine Cancer, Varicose Veins, Yeast Infections
For more (legitimate) medical news, see the following links:
Wine & Diabetes
Posted in, Free Run: Field Notes From a Wine Life. Permalink | Comments (31) |
Its interesting. Just earlier today I was reading an article where it says that a recent study found that red wine helps people from live longer and also protects from obesity and diabetes.
Finger nail fungus is a condition when fungi get under the nail of your finger and the some infection in this area. This infection can cause your nail turning yellow, are you the one who disgusting with this condition? Embarrassing to show your nails to other people? Now what you need is doing some treatments for your nail.
Never heard of using wine to treat diaper rash. I use rather use over the counter diaper rash cream which is pretty aailable
I’m a light drinker of red wine. It is the best alcoholic beverage on earth. I avoid vodka and whiskey because they have little to no nutritional value…...
Do this if you want stay healthy….....
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I very like any good wine. I drink it every day with pleasure…
Its the resveratrol in the wine that make it a good curing agent. You can tap it separate from the alcohol.
All specialist agree with the fiber and liquid food for the sound health. particularly for the hemorrhoids its the key one to survive. always pure drinking water and fiber related food gives you the strong health, no doubt about that.
Grapes Lower High Blood Pressure. If you want to lower your blood pressure (BP) naturally, start eating more grapes. According to new research from the Cardioprotection Research
Taking wine is a fashion in the modern age. But what about those who are suffering from hemorrhoids or high blood pressure. I can utter that it’s devastating for the patient of hemorrhoids. In that case one should think twice before taking wine, as it is the matter of precious life…Wine seems interesting to the normal life while it is devastating for the hemorrhoid patients.
wine is a great thing for your health. A glass a day keeps the doctor away.
This is one of very few blogs that was worth the read, a great insight. My friend will be so exciting to check out that. Thank you for sharing out. acne free in 3 days chris gibson
Thanks for clearing this up! And I recognized on the significance present in the site.
Technology amazes me particularly when I imagine of what it will be like they reach the old age! But applying this is much far better ……….
So, please without thinking further please apply this……..
I believe this aspect is growing everywhere as business owners learn what it is. For example, Phoenix is much more sophisticated in this regards than here in Tucson. I average small business owner is still way behind in their understanding such incidents. dog arthritis treatment
Awesome! I have read a lot on this topic, but you definitely give it a good vibe. This is a great post. Will be back to read more! how to relieve constipation
I can see that you are putting a lot of time and effort into your blog and detailed articles! I am in love with every single piece of information you post here. Will be back often to read more updates! Hypertensive Crisis
I can utter that it’s devastating for the patient of hemorrhoids. In that case one should think twice before taking wine, as it is the matter of precious life…Wine seems interesting to the normal life while it is devastating for the hemorrhoid patients.
Great article. Wine is great - but too much can affect PMS relief.
Nice post..Very informative, Thanks!. Better try this one, Natural Gallstone Removal
Do you have to have cemo for all types of cancer or are there somethat doesn’t require it??
Also, what types of cancer are genetic and do both of your parents have to carry it for you to get it or does only one need to??
Please help me!
My mom had 2 types of cancer and I don’t know if my father did or not because I do not know who he is.
Please help!
Please!!
.
Probably drinking non-alcoholic wine will give good face circle and color too and it will looks like shiny face cut and great stuff I found here.
It’s really annoying because my hair is only dandruff-free for the day after I wash my hair with Head and Shoulders. The next day, it comes back. I don’t want to be using Head and Shoulders for the rest of my life! I want to start using shampoo for normal hair, but I don’t know if I should. I don’t know when it’ll be okay to use shampoo for normal hair and not have to worry about the dandruff coming back the day after it.
Hi,
I’m having an allergy to tindamax. So far I’ve been having hives and itchiness for almost a week now, my last dose of medication was 5 days ago.. Is this somewhat normal?
It might be a little bit uncommon, my doctor said that I should have stopped having reactions within 48-72 hours?
i’m sorry but i don’t believe in any of this. come to think of it. if this is true, doctors would have prescribed wine instead of medicine. hahaha.
LOL - seems more like more of a business deal, than anything else? - But wine does have some benefits.
OK- I get this is a parody, but you will see many places discussing the health benefits of wine, particularly red wine.
I’ve even read that with trial and practice, white wines can be sought out that even a diabetic can drink safely.
So, hilarious, but also true…does that make it edgier?
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Great information! Thank you for sharing it.
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Man, you’re fabulous at the satire stuff!
I just got back from a joint conference between the Culinary Institute of America Greystone and Harvard about food and health, and wine was featured fairly prominently (it was Napa, after all). I’m hoping to sort through my notes and write a post next week . . . I’m going to link back to yours for the comedy portion!
Cheers,
Lia